Outside The Box

Richard Heene is outed as a pathetic, fame-hungry hoaxster. To me, this entire debacle was indicative of how any story involving kids makes us take leave of our senses and drop rational thought at the door. Anyone with a cursory knowledge of introductory physics would have suspected from the jump that a mylar balloon like Heene's "hovercraft" would never reach the altitude it did with a six-year-old boy (on average, fifty extra pounds) inside. No wonder the guy couldn't cut it as an actor- his press conferences didn't even fool viewers who believe The Hills is real. Using your children in a naked bid for fame and fortune is nothing new (the beauty pageant system is based on it) but to be so blinded by it that you don't realize your kindergartener might spill the beans on national television is a fatal miscalculation. However, let's take the kid out of the story for a minute. A disconcerting aside is how quickly the media derides any attempts at invention outside the norm as potentially harmful. There are plenty of people living off the grid who are trying to create things that may affect a positive change in our lives. I realize our culture usually fails to prove its alleged reverence of individualism, but it's dangerous to the pioneer spirit to imply that anything not coming out of Abbott Labs, General Electric, or NASA is suspect. It's a good thing cable news didn't cover Oppenheimer, Einstein, or Edison- they would have been branded as lunatics before their first experiment. Evidently, unless you're a monosyllabic, moose-wrangling Alaskan governor/fashion plate, our message is: keep your "maverick" to yourself. Sure, Heene turned out to be a vainglorious kook, but his foibles in this matter didn't stem from a pile of schematics. His story is painfully mundane- he wanted to be famous. Now that he is, he's discovering that the old axiom, "no such thing as bad press", is as much a crock as the story he foisted on America. Let's hope there's no jail time in his future. That's a version of Wife Swap he'd be wise to avoid at all costs.

Proposition 9 From Outer Space - 4/24/08 (reprint)

For a culture that seems to prize fame above all else, we sure get snippy when celebrities talk politics. The fans turn a deaf ear, whining that entertainers should keep their political opinions to themselves. I've never understood this. Just because people know your face from a CD cover or movie poster, doesn't mean you have any fewer rights to speak your mind. Movie stars pay taxes, too (Well, unless you're Wesley Snipes. Guess you can't always bet on black...) Besides, I would think civilians and celebrities would make natural allies in the political arena, since large portions of both groups are so painfully ill-informed. In 2004, George Bush got his second term because voters said they'd rather have a beer with him than John Kerry- how's that beer tasting, by the way? I hope that people are genuine when they say that this election will be a turning point. You know we're fed up with the status quo, when we're willing to support someone clearly smarter than we are.

People say politics is private. Really? I didn't see anyone screaming for Britney Spears' privacy when her hoo-hah said hello from the backseat of a towncar. Our love/hate relationship with celebrities and politics seems contingent on whether or not we can feel smarter than them. When Heidi & Spencer from The Hills weigh in on who they're voting for, no one bats an eye- because they're morons. But when politically well-informed A-listers like Tom Hanks or Ben Affleck speak on the subject, everyone gets their flag undies in a twist. It's said that "politics is showbiz for ugly people", and we've been treating our politicians like celebrities. As long as we can feel higher on the intellectual food chain, they're just the candidate for us.

This time, when it comes to picking a President, pick the person who makes you feel just a little bit dumb. We'll always have Paris Hilton to keep us in the Einstein club.