Feel Good Hit Of The Summer

After hearing the story of an acquaintance whose engagement disintegrated into a nightmare, it reaffirms my belief that our capacity to be cruel to one another is boundless. Anytime you feel as though you've been party to an unpardonable offense, you can be sure there is someone else with a story that will make yours read like Dude, Where's My Car? It's a reason why, slowly but surely, people are migrating en masse from organized religion. Our desire to stay connected to something beyond ourselves ("spiritual but not religious", in modern parlance) may be hard-wired into us; a by-product of being the only animal that is sure of its own mortality, yet unsure of what (if anything) follows. As technology increases our ability to indulge, we realize that ancient archetypes of good and evil are no longer relevant because the dichotomy burns and seethes inside each of us. There is no need for devils and demons anymore. They were created to personify consequence to primitive people who could wrap their heads around eternal hellfire, but were millenia away from the complex evils we cultivate now. Like Stairway To Heaven at a high school prom, we still have the oldies-but-goodies like rape and murder, but we've given them free-market competition from the defter hands of emotional abuse, identity theft, cyberterrorism, and a thousand other insidious afflictions. It's not hard to understand why millions of people still cling to superstition- in a world of utter chaos, it orders one's existence. But man is the angel that fell from heaven. Compared to us, the red-horned dude with the pitchfork is a buffoon who simply can't compete.

Hallow, Is Anyone Home?

It's Halloween time again, and every year the Jesus fans try to sink their humorless fangs into the neck of our oldest childhood tradition. These days, a number of school boards across the country have completely foregone Halloween activities, in deference to shaky parents worried that the day glorifies the Devil, paganism, and witchcraft. Not sure why that's a problem.

Let's examine. The Devil? Really? I'm pretty sure the last time Halloween was used to glorify the Devil was 1645. Right around the time we were drilling holes in someone's head to let the "bad humours" escape. So, onto witches. If you do your homework, you notice that pagans and witches worship the Earth, and promote a balance in nature. OOOH. Scary. Of course, judging from most conservatives' views on the environment, I'm pretty sure concern for nature makes you a terrorist. Or a faggot. I always forget which.

The whole flap over Halloween illustrates that one of the biggest flaws of organized religion is no sense of irony- namely, that all Hallow's Eve began as a Christian holiday. How did kids dressed as cartoon characters become the dominion of Satan? Forget killing cats in your black mascara and Cradle Of Filth t-shirts, goth posers. We all know nothing summons the prince of darkness faster than tiny humans decked out as Tinkerbell and Spider-Man. Does anyone really believe that 'Ol Scratch is kicking back in hell the other 364 days of the year, like an infernal Santa, waiting for the one night he can unleash his unholy wrath by making sure my yard is toilet papered? Terror, thy name is Charmin!

Some parents believe that Halloween puts kids in harm's way. I guess, even in a recession, job-seekers are still taking time to put safety pins and razor blades into apples. (By the way, a pot of dubloons to the first person who can name ONE person to ever put a pin in a piece of candy. Ever.) The most dangerous thing I ever got in my bag was Bit-O-Honey. Those things will yank out half your jaw.

You know what scares me at Halloween? Anyone in high school who still goes trick-or-treating. I stopped going door-to-door when I was 13. You know why? Because it's for kids, jackass. There's something inherently uncool about stalking the night wearing your brother's bongwater-stained bedsheet with two eyeholes cut out of it. Here's the rule: If you have a driver's license, you're out of the trick-or-treating game. Take that Hot Topic paycheck, haul your ass to Target, and buy a bag of Snickers. Leave Halloween to the kids. (I mean the actual ones, not the parents who take all this "devil" stuff so literally.) It's time for parents to take the pitchfork out of their asses and let their little maniacs have some fun.