Irony Workers Local 1217

I'm a proponent of the "keep your friends close and enemies closer" worldview, so I listen to a fair amount of conservative talk radio. (Other than me, most liberals on the radio are dull as shit.) I think of it as mental bipartisanship- say what you want about Rush Limbaugh, but that drug-addled Mr. Creosote is a hoot.

However, I'm starting to get really aggravated at the conservative broken record that repeatedly misrepresents Obama's plan for the auto and financial industries as Socialism, ushering in an unprecedented wave of big government. The conservative principle of an unintrusive government is a sound one, but bobbleheads like Limbaugh like to pretend that it exists in a vacuum. They ignore the fact that, for the past 40 years, corporations have become our government: wielding far more power than our elected officials and getting bigger and bigger each year. Yet this hardly elicits a peep from the "small government" crowd. See, Obama has to clean up your mess. You don't get to say "I told ya so" as he does it.

I shouldn't single Rush out, though. When you make $30 million a year for a fifteen-hour workweek, you tend to look the other way.

...And Now For Something Completely Different

If you haven't checked out Kutiman's YouTube mashups, you're missing out.

Trick Or Tweet

I had a brief Twitter phase. It's totally addictive, but once it's explained out loud, you also realize how utterly silly it is.

"What am I doing?" Wondering who really cares that you're making pesto grilled chicken and watching Intervention. Count me out.

At Least The Penis Cake Won't Go To Waste

Some gay men in Chicago are throwing a hissy over girls who book their clubs for bachelorette parties. Boo hoo. Now those guys know how I feel every time I'm at a screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

The Opposite Of Magnums

Who knew they even made condoms in China? A billion citizens seems like evidence to the contrary.

Mutually Assured Destruction

Sometimes even the bland and ineffectual inspires a response. Or ten. Blame it on my boredom.

1. It's Star TREK
2. Learn what communism actually is.
3. Learn what a "mullet" actually is.
4. The "MTV generation" is in their mid-30's now. Not really a relevant term anymore.
5. The Zimmermann Note is a historical document. Not sure what the Zimmermann Letter is.
6. It's "past", not "passed". "Midget", not "midgette".
7. Kudos on "Children are the most important thing in life". That's actually funny. And entirely incorrect.
8. Cradle of Filth sucks. Hard.
9. Stop promising a big reveal; I know who you are. You aren't smart enough to cover your tracks properly.
10. Give me something to work with next time.

I Gotta Return This Beer Rental

I'm an Apple guy all the way, but I've resisted the Cult Of iPhone on principle. However, this might force me to revisit that.

Enjoy Every Sandwich

I'm not sure why I'm so bummed out over the Natasha Richardson story. I don't even think I could name one of her movies. Sure, death is always sad and Liam Neeson was pretty badass in The Dark Knight, but I think it's the sheer randomness of it that's sticking in my craw. She fell during a beginner ski lesson and died hours later from swelling on the brain. Jesus. It's not a celebrity thing- that would be tough to process if it happened to anyone- and I'm admittedly personalizing it, since my own dad is sick with something that seemingly came from nowhere.

But I guess that's the point- it's all random. I've never really believed things happen for a reason. It's a comforting sentiment because it implies a greater plan, but even those who believe most strongly in that plan would probably agree that it's really well-hidden. Instead, I think we survive adversity or tragedy and assign a meaningful reason in retrospect. You can use God or destiny or fate as the mortar between your particular bricks, but whatever reasons we assign are what get us through in the face of the fact that sometimes, Shit. Just. Happens.

The One Day We All Pretend To Like Rugby

"On the day of Judgment, when God judges all other nations, St. Patrick will be the judge of the Irish."

Odd, when you consider the man wasn't Irish. There are all kinds of myth and legend associated with St. Patrick's Day, but it's the booze that brings us all together. Being from an Irish Catholic family that doesn't really drink (no wonder I'm so messed up) I've found that adulthood ushers in an appreciation of that confluence of alcohol and religion that is so hard-wired in the Irish. Then again, the Cox clan is large part Native American, so why I'm not a double-barrel alcoholic is beyond me.

Must be that luck o' the Irish. Slainte.

Why's It Gotta Be A Black Thing?

Am I the only one still chuckling every time a reporter talks about "President Obama's massive stimulus package?"

I am? Really? Shoot.

Just Say No. Unless...

Government is certainly of the people and by the people. (I'll let you debate whether or not it's for the people, anymore.) We all know that government and the people don't see eye-to-glassy eye on marijuana. The people destigmatized pot a long time ago (when your Grandma smokes the "demon weed", it's jumped the shark) but government still clings to its anachronistic, Reefer Madness view of the subject. But it's never been about public health; it's been about money. The FDA doesn't want to compete with marijuana because it will get stomped.

Now that the country is in the financial shitter, California is treating pot like an ugly girl at last call- suddenly it's looking very attractive. For the NORML crowd, it's a case of "be careful what you wish for"- legalizing pot would probably be a financial boon for any state, but having it under government control would also be the worst thing to happen to pot since Wet. Do we really want to go from the ease of buying a dime bag of knockout Haitian Lamb's Breath from your neighbor to filling out forms in triplicate and getting overtaxed on whatever bag of seeds the state decides to overcharge you for? Desperate times call for desperate measures (like an eighth).

It will never happen, of course. Still, it would be a beautiful irony if marijuana was the savior of the economy.

Putting The "Pus" in "Campus"

I thought my girlfriend was joking about the herpes/beer pong hoax, but the story put colleges on alert nationwide. Remember back in the day, when gettin' the herp was simply the product of good old-fashioned frat house date-rapes?

Myth America

If you're fortunate enough to have grandparents who lived through the depression- talk to them. While we're all getting copies of "Dumpster Diving For Dummies" dropped on our front doors and realizing that most of the long-held tenets of the "American dream" were a complete load, we have a serious opportunity for enlightenment. Namely, one in which we finally treat our elders with the respect they deserve. Most other cultures around the globe revere their old people, with good reason- they know lots of shit that we don't. And sure, we still have plenty of crazy oldsters accidentally driving their '62 Skylarks backwards through a Walgreens, but they're not applying to be driver's ed instructors. My grandmother is 95. She doesn't move as quickly as she used to, but she's smart as a whip and still has a keen eye on the world. I'm sure she has stories to tell that would benefit me greatly.

The older things are, the more value they have- just ask my girlfriend as she sits, saucer-eyed, staring at an episode of Antiques Roadshow- and history is written by the winners. Since we're the car-crashing elderly of tomorrow, we'd better learn something from all of the current turmoil if we're going to make this chapter worth reading later on.

Go Ask Clinton

$650,000 for beaver management in North Carolina and Mississippi - how does one manage a beaver?
- John McCain, Twittering.

(hat tip to Andrew Sullivan)

So, THAT'S What Bryan Adams Meant By "Summer Of 69"...

Geniuses link explicit song lyrics and teen sex.

Guess I'll Have To Settle For A Gardener From Romania

While the economic "experts" and the talking heads on cable toss the merits (or lack thereof) of Obama's stimulus package around like a three-bean salad at a swingers mixer, one interesting fact has surfaced: illegal immigration is plummeting. Things are so bad, that the people who risked everything to get here are going back, or opting to not make the trip at all. While the economic benefits of illegal immigration have long been the pink elephant in the room, its downturn is one of the more startling indicators of tough times here. When the corrupt government and bullet-riddled streets of Mexico City look more promising than Corpus Christi, things are a tad askew. It also means even less demand here for housing, cars, Jesus candles, Gipsy Kings CDs, and just about everything else. It's a lot easier to decry the "scourge" of illegal immigration in flush times than when we need warm bodies spending money.

(Ironic footnote: among global currencies, the peso is up.)

I Write The Songs That Make The Whole World Convulse

As a kid whose mom was way into Barry Manilow, I'm a little ambivalent about this story. On the one hand, BM's a talented cat and I associate his music with a bucolic childhood (and the Chevy Chase flick, Foul Play). On the other hand, I fancy women.

Mall Using Manilow Against Unruly Teens

Aural Fixation

Some must-haves, from across the spectrum:

Lamb Of God, Wrath
The Daysleepers, Drowned In A Sea Of Sound
School Of Seven Bells, Alpinisms

Wild card:
Billy Joel, The Stranger

I'd Buy That For A Dollar!

While the old adage says that fact is stranger than fiction, it's more likely that fact is actually ripping fiction off. A quick scan of the headlines suggests the world is inching ever closer to becoming RoboCop (your choice of 1, 2, or 3). Or Waterworld. Or Repo Man.

Wake me when we're at Threat Level: Freejack. I'm exhausted from piling up apocalyptic film references.