They Both Had A Hell Of An Hourly Rate - 3/13/08 (reprint)

Eliot Spitzer is having a tough week. It’s gotta be a real kick in the balls to go from being one of the golden boys in modern politics to getting nailed by the very laws you use to prosecute other people. From first to worst in a DAY. You said you hoped to be the first Jewish president, now you’ll be lucky to stay out of jail. On the one hand, I commend you on your ingenuity, but there’s gotta be an easier way to get out of being married. Hookers from a website? How did you see that going unnoticed? My grandmother has email, for god’s sake. It’s not exactly witchcraft. That’s the trouble with you dudes who grow up rich- you don’t understand how things work. It doesn’t even occur to you that you’re not bulletproof.

So who are the real victims here? Your wife? Hey, she should be thanking her lucky stars that you’re a Democrat. At least you got caught with a woman. The people of New York? Their new governor is the first black man to run the state. Cool. But he’s also legally blind. So I guess the only hooker you have to worry about him getting is one who really likes German shepherds. No, the real victim in all of this is the call girl, Ashley Dupre. She’s a budding musician who says the "music is inside her". I assume during the times that you weren’t. Which, on a side note- you get a knuckle bump from me, my man. What you severely lacked in judgment, you made up for in good taste. Unbelievably hot, this one. Usually, when you government types are caught with a hooker, she looks like my high school shop teacher in drag.

But Ashley Dupre has worldwide notoriety now. She’s the Monica Lewinsky of the MySpace generation. All she wanted was to use the gorgeous junk that God gave her to make some dough, and now all her friends know that she paid for singing lessons by letting pasty bald dudes get on top twice a week. So buck up, little camper. Things will turn around. They say it’s darkest before the dawn, especially when Dawn is charging five grand an hour.