Crotchless Mom Jeans - 5/1/08 (reprint)

Rumor has it Christina Aguilera is concerned that being a new mom may diminish her sex appeal as a pop star. Yeah…and? This isn't exactly new information. That's the purchase you make when you trade superstardom for a family- the fans don't care so much about getting in your pants anymore when those pants have an elastic waistband. Besides, you don't really want to be competing with these hood rats on the radio anymore, do you? Let's cast our minds back to the old Christina: a few years ago, she had hair extensions that made Beyonce look like Joan Jett; she was all into weird piercings, so every magazine interview included a roll call of the latest LA scumbag to attack her crotch with a hole punch; every CD put out was "da bomb", and she talked about how she didn't date white guys because her men had to have "the flava". Except that she's from Pittsburgh, the whitest city in the Northern Hemisphere, where the only "flavas" are the 31 that Baskin-Robbins serve up. Hey, XTina- remember that Rolling Stone cover shot where you were naked, except for the guitar covering you up? You had about as much business holding a guitar as I do holding a football- if you don't know how to use it, put it down.

I know sex sells in pop music and you feel less empowered by it, now that you have a kid- but going back to being a fake skank isn't the path to the top of the charts. Especially when a world full of faux lesbians and photo-op nip slips really needs more real skanks. You should embrace motherhood, cuz you're wearing it pretty well. Hole up in your mansion with that hedgehog-lookin', "how the hell did her get HER?" husband of yours, and play with your baby. Try to reclaim the glory days, and you'll find yourself flashing your va-jay out of car windows, blinding passersby with the aforementioned metal collection. Frankly, I'd rather hear you sing.