Lame Against The Machine - 3/26/08 (reprint)

We should offer congratulations to a group calling themselves "Catholic Schoolgirls Against The War" for showing future activists how NOT to stage a protest. You decided that the best way to make your displeasure with the war known was to scream trite political slogans and squirt fake blood on parishoners at Holy Name Cathedral on Easter Sunday! Now, you won’t find a Catholic more lapsed than I am - when I went to Easter Mass with my parents this past Sunday, I was worried that the holy water would start boiling when I put my finger in it. But even I realize that a church is the last place you’re gonna find a sympathetic ear for some half-assed performance art piece, masquerading as a political demonstration. Because let’s be real- that’s all it was. A group of students who make the cast of Napoleon Dynamite look like Calvin Klein models, doing far more harm than good to the image of anti-war protestors. Here’s a little clue for you brainiacs: when the majority of the country is against the war, you’re no longer an aggrieved minority just trying to get your voices heard- you’re a bunch of bored dicks with too much time on your hands. What’s the matter- The Arcade Fire not on tour right now? Taking a break from World of Warcraft?

See, the true spirit of protest is to engage people in conversation and force some debate in the hope of affecting real change. "Catholic School Girls Against The War"? Even your name evokes images of a bad improv troupe. I’m surprised you didn’t ask the congregation for suggestions. In fact, I’m more pissed that you’ve stained my memories of catholic school girls. Those little ladies and their knee-high socks have kept my spank bank running strong since the fifth grade. God bless the good work they're doing.

I hope the diocese drops the charges because you’re not worth their time or resources. You didn’t really do anything more than freak some old rich people out. But don’t cast yourself as brave martyrs to the cause, who were silenced by The Man. You want to impress me, go pull that shit in a mosque. Until then, leave the protesting to people with an actual message. Or at least to people who are familiar with shampoo.